Tanja Diamond On Sex, Love, Porn Monogamy And Tantra

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Tanja DiamondTanja Diamond is one of the world’s foremost tantra teachers. Ultrafeel.tv interviewed this most interesting woman to find out what modern tantra is all about – and her fascinating stance on monogamy, sex, porn and love!

Tanja, there are many different types of tantra. Which one do you teach, and how does it differ from the other countless styles?
Originally there were two schools of Tantra. One studied using ritual objects from the outer world and the other from the inner world. Tantra is the oldest technology for human transformation and a science.
Tantra was passed down from teacher to student through oral transmission so very little of Tantra was written down. At one point Tantrics were hunted and had to go into hiding, and then Tantra was branched out and incorporated into others religions and philosophies.

Today people have interpreted Tantra in so many ways most people are very confused about what it actually is. Most people believe that Tantra and the Kama Sutra are the same and Tantra is all about sex, though that is only about 3 percent of what Tantra includes.
We can now classify Tantra as Neo Tantra and Classical Tantra. Neo Tantra started in the US in the 60’s and it is primarily sexual in nature. Using a handful of Tantra and other eastern techniques to enhance sexual pleasure and connectedness, Tantra “teachers” popped up all over the place.

If you google Tantra now you will see sex workers, erotic massage, spiritual teachers and many other things. The word Tantra has been usurped by modern society. I have been classically trained as well as Neo Tantra trained and I bring my own blend to the scene of Tantra.
I believe we need the classical aspects and foundations before we can use any of the techniques whether sexual or other.

I created Modern Tantra™ for our modern day society. We have different lifestyles now than we did 7000 year ago. Modern Tantra™ is a synergy of Classical Tantra, Neo Tantra and other great philosophies and practices I have learned from living all over the world.
Modern Tantra™ is different because it is all about building a foundation of living, not just in one area of your life but in all. I even teach Tantra For Business™ which is all about teaching someone to get the business success they need.

I believe how you do this is how you do everything, and everything is connected. If your personal life is in the toilet, your business life will not excel to the capacity it could and vice-versa. People ask me, “If you are teaching life skills and foundation for excellence why is there so much about sex on your website and facebook?” Simple, sex is compelling to all of us. I also am launching 12 websites on Tantra that include Modern Tantra™, Tantra for men, women, couples, families, teenagers, health, wealth, fitness and even Tantra For Christians.

I want the world to see that Tantra is for living and its philosophies and practices are needed in everyday life in an everyday way to help us life as bright and fulfilled as we can be and not just for better sex.

Relief stress! PillsOn of your most interesting concepts is that most people don’t actually ever experience a real orgasm – but just superficial "genital tension release". Is there really more to sex than just tension release?
Yes there is way more to sex than a simple muscular release. If we just have that we are staying at a level 2 on the 5 levels to sexual mastery and bliss.

Tension release generally takes a lot of tension to begin with as the name implies, and tension is not a normal state of feeling fully alive and energized. It is however what we learn to experience as arousal from lack of training about our bodies and ourselves.

Many women have to “work” at having an orgasm by stiffening their bodies or holding their breath. They have to make an orgasm happen versus the orgasm freely flowing through them for as long as they desire.

Men as well think that ejaculation is the ultimate pleasure and have little or no idea that ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing and can happen separately, When they discover that a man can have orgasm over and over again they start to understand a bigger picture of pleasure.
There are 5 levels of sexual mastery:

Pink handcuffsLevel 1 Basic sexual education: sperm meets egg and this is where we put everything, basic sexual health, basic anatomy.

Level 2 Everyone gets theirs, this level tends to focus on release of sexual tension (orgasm), Most men and women today believe that orgasm is the ingredient to sexual satisfaction, but over time this is simply not enough. But for most people it’s all they know.

Level 3 Here the level where people are getting bored with the status quo. Either affairs happen here or, a couple decides to add other people, or perhaps getting into BDSM, role playing or other things that are pushing their limits. The sex frequently still has to do with orgasm being the goal. People here are looking for bigger and bigger charges and experiences.

Level 4 This is where there comes an inkling that there is more out there than just sex the way it’s always been. The bigger and edgier experiences are getting boring as well and at some point the high is wearing off. Women start getting dissatisfied with sex being about the orgasm and want more connection, more intimacy. Men have little idea what that really means.

Here can be a search for some to enter the realm of Tantra and some of its techniques. A person at Level 4 mastery starts to understand that connection requires intimacy and energetic intent, as well as learning to separate ejaculation and orgasm for men. Women start to see that orgasm isn’t something to achieve as much as surrender to and everyone learns to expand their capacity for pleasure.

Tansparent Tantra by Paul Heussenstamm.Level 5 is the level of Tantric union, and the elusive spiritual orgasm that has little to do with your genitals. At this level having your old regular orgasm seems silly, even though you can have one without touching yourself or being touched, but by simply taking a breath. At this level you practice sexual union with yourself or your partner in a way that seems holy, healing and complete. The satisfaction felt from this bonding fills you up in a way you never dreamed of. This union solidifies your relationship to the utmost.

Are there truly tantra-secrets on how to reach these higher levels of real and deep sexual pleasure, which really work? Is it indeed possible to live in "full arousal" all the time as you claim?
Yes and yes. I teach them in many of my coaching programs. The foundations have to do with breath work and re-learning what we think of as sexual pleasure and how to get there. Living in full arousal is a way of life for people who have this training.

It is not being turned on exclusively in the genitals but taking sexual energy and spreading it through your whole body and being. It is the essence of living fully and completely alive in your body and spirit. Once you go there you will not want to go back.

What actually happens during a ‘high quality orgasm’?
Imagine your best genital orgasm and then magnify that by a 1’000 times and spread it through your entire body and soul – then imagine that can go on for hours. This is when people tell me they don’t have time to have hours of orgasm LOL.

Then when you are through you feel more alive than ever before, your senses are enhanced and everything tastes, sounds, smells, feels and looks better. Some people are transformed through this process and others feel as though they have touched the hands of God. For people with no training the orgasm is in a very small part of the body and afterwards can leave them feeling drained or lethargic and not wanting to be touched.
Here is an excerpt from my book ‘Beyond Sex: Tantra’ on tantric union

It is as though time has stopped and there is nothing more that is needed in the moment you are in, but the moment you are in. You have come to a complete stop of all motion except the breath. Physicality dissolves and you are left with the breath and the vibration of bliss (spiritual joy).

As you let go of doing and arrive at being, the orgasm you are experiencing is beyond anything you have physically ever imagined. It has moved from the genitals to encompass your whole being and beyond.
There is pure ecstatic bliss of losing oneself to time and space. This bliss can go on for hours and I have had an experience of several days.

(From ‘Beyond Sex: Tantra’)

You state that there is not only sex addiction, but also "love addiction"; tell us about that.
Many people are not taught what to do with their feelings. So when they have big emotions they get overwhelmed and want to stop the feelings. Many people use masturbation as a tension release and numbing distraction from these intense feelings they have. Most addiction is based in wanting to numb our own feelings when they are too uncomfortable.

A sex addict uses sex and things related to sex as that distraction or numbing agent, a love addict uses the feeling of falling in love.
Falling in love is awesome don’t get me wrong and I have been in love many times. The litmus test is when people have to move on as soon as that feeling is over (about 3-to 6 months) and they feel anxiety when they aren’t in it.

Euro money loveAll is relationship. We even have relationship with money. Do we need to ‘love’ money, to improve our relationship with it – and consequently get more of it?
Yes, we need to have a good personal relationship with money to enjoy it and benefit from it as well as receive more.

Most people feel very conflicted about money. They know it has power (that’s what they believe) the power to make you happy, or miserable. They may see people with money as jerks and snobs and feel envious or jealous. Saying things like “rich people are mean and will step on anyone to get what they want” send a conflicted message to your brain. Why would you want money if it is going to make you mean.

Then there are people who believe it is more spiritual to be poor, and they wonder why they always struggle to make ends meet. Loving money really is about not being in conflict about money and our comfort around it. I used to always say, “I have enough money to do whatever I want.” And I did, although it would come from all sorts of weird and unpredictable places and not just my work effort. Now some people would say that’s great and I want to point out that getting into car crashed that paid a settlement wasn’t too good for my body.
These days I say: “Vast amounts of money flow easily and effortlessly from all my personal ventures”. It works much better.

Photo: 'Crowd Porn 3' by Thomas BrodahlYou advise not to watch porn. Why is that? What is wrong with porn? How about erotic art, would that be different?
I want to state that many people find it amusing that a sexuality teacher is against pornography. I am not morally against it though I do find it sad that many women that have childhood wounding find their fix doing porn, but that’s another issue. The biggest problem with porn is the internet and ease of availability. This ease has created an addiction ease because we are with our technology almost all day. Porn online can give the user instant and varied click click click to more and more and harder and harder images.

One of the issues is what happens is when porn is used and anchored to intense stimulus (orgasm). The user anchors a visual to an intense stimulus over and over again and it creates pathways in the brain that limit the ability to be aroused by other things. After awhile the high from the stimulus is bigger than the high from a real experience and people find themselves dissatisfied with real encounter and real bodies. When sexuality is anchored to no connection and intimacy as it is with porn then men can lose their ability to see sex and love as something that can happen together. We have a brand new problem for men and it is affecting young men in huge numbers. It’s called DE-delayed ejaculation. Men find that they cannot ejaculate while having sex.

Another problem is what the porn industry has done to sex. It has become completely fake and has no real people feeling anything real sexually. If you view it and believe that’s what sex is about, it will lead to real issues in the bedroom. Many people both men and women are getting their sexual education from porn and that is really sad. Women are not interested in having sex the way porn shows it done. It is one of the things that is ruining sex lives all over the world and especially in the US where there are 40 million sexless couples and the porn usage is very high.

And it is not what you think… the sexless marriages are caused frequently by the men using porn, instead of intimately connecting to their partners. Or the men are having sex like a porn star and the women are just not interested anymore. It is a very big problem and younger and younger men and women are getting hooked in at very early ages. It makes me concerned for our future relationships.

What would be the female equivalent to porn? Trashy romance novels?
Yes and no. Porn is porn and women get addicted as well to hardcore porn. Porn has sex at the main event with the viewer getting there instantly. Romance novels are about the 150 pages of build up to the main event. Women want the build up and that’s what romance novels deliver. It is true that women can become addicted to romance novels and give up real life because they do not get the same high from normal relationships.

Tantra group, naked men and women.You’ve got an interesting take on monogamy. Why does monogamy pose so many problems for couples?
It isn’t monogamy per se but the box that people put themselves into once they embark on it. Same with Polyamory though people in that paradigm tend to communicate much better and deeper about the so called scary stuff. Staying with someone over a decade means you will change and so will the other person. It is cruel to suggest that we make an agreement that we can never talk about again for fear of injuring our relationship or partner.

Our traditional relationship models aren’t working very well anymore. I wonder if they ever really did. We have a 61 percent divorce rate and 40 million sexless couples in the US, and I suspect that it is even more dismal. About 78 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have a physical affair at some point in their marriage and the marriages with kids are in the lead. Emotional affairs can be even more damaging as they tend to last longer and have bigger consequences.

The internet has made cheating a lot easier as we can find a potential partner on line. We can create hook ups from the comfort of our own family rooms even. Women can have powerful romantic love affairs on line with men who are listening to them and appearing to be open and vulnerable.

Marriages are not working out. No matter what anyone says we should be doing, we are not doing it. It is time for a fresh perspective about relationships. Traditional relationships frequently don’t talk about the hard issues and that leaves them open to fracture.

I personally have had different relationship types and now in what I term an “evolving relationship”. We are currently monogamous and once a year we get out our relationship agreement and talk about what is working and what is not. If one of us decides that having other lovers was important then we would speak about it.
Our relationship agreement constitutes much more than our status of monogamy or not. It also includes how often we have sex and how we conduct our arguments and other aspects of our lives.

We have decided this time around that having sex every other day regardless of the mood is imperative to us as individual and as partners. We base that on observation of how we interact when we wait too long.

Men are not created to be monogamous biologically and it can be difficult without training for men to stay monogamous. I am not suggesting that they don’t commit but I am suggesting that we get real about the strength of our biological programs. The correct Tantra training around ejaculation and orgasm help many men stay faithful in their relationships, and not just by using porn, or avoidance or shutting down their sex drive to attain that.

Men are not created to be monogamous biologically and it can be difficult without training for men to stay monogamous.

(Tanja Diamond)

We all need relationship training to have long term happy relationships and we need to understand and manage our sexual energy differently than what we do now. Mostly we need to get out of the boxes we have put ourselves in and create new plans to enduring and thriving in love, sex and relationships.

A woman grabs a man...What do women think men want – and what do men really want?
Women think men want sex, and men really do want sex. That’s their biological programming. However most men who love a woman really want to see her smile. His lovers smile has so much meaning to a man, when she smiles he knows all is right with the world and he is doing a good job.

Men desire to please the women they love and will do so as well as they can, and it is usually not enough without the proper knowledge about what women really want. Men specifically want to please their partners in bed but most do so poorly because pleasing a woman in the long run is not about the orgasm.

I believe what men really want is a woman’s trust in him and with that her ability to surrender (not submit) to him. Men can feel truly empowered and masculine when his woman trusts his decisions and judgment, without that, men feel like little boys with their mothers.

And the other way around: What do men think women want – but what do women really want?

Men think women want orgasms, presents and romance. And yes those are nice but something even more important is on most women’s hearts.

Women desire to be adored, and adoration means different things to different women. Things that fall into that category are, really listening to her – without fixing, being a man who honors his commitments (I’ll be home by 5, means 5), physically caring for her (he open doors and gets up in the night when there are scary sounds), he really notices her physically (nice haircut, or new dress).

He pays attention to her as though they were on those first dates. He honors her emotional self, he makes her feel as though she is the most important person on the planet.

I am not talking about a door mat and that’s where men get confused. How do I adore her and still maintain myself and not be a wimp? (Women do not like wimps). And women need intimacy. Intimacy is a confusing topic for both sexes. Very few people know what it means let alone how to get there.

It is not about sex though it can be and should be implemented there. Intimacy is about being seen completely. It is about letting go of our heads and intellect and showing up in our raw feelings and truth – being vulnerable in our expressions. It isn’t about a goal, it is about the moment where all the feelings and focus is right between the two of you, a heart connection. It can be learned and really few people come to it naturally these days.

What is the difference between love and sex? Or are they the same?'Tantra' by Alex Grey
Sex as most people understand it is a physical act requiring the physical body. Though in Tantra you could sit across from your partner and have sex without touching and it would be as much or even more satisfying than the other way.

Sex is our biological imperative as humans to keep the species going. Love is a set of chemicals that release in the body when there are a set of circumstances. I am talking about love between people now not spiritual love which is a self creation.

Love and sex are two very different things and do not need each other to happen. Though we do tend to teach our girl children that they should love someone before having sex with them. Then love and lust gets confused.

Many people start with the feeling of lust and it evolves to an expression of love. The chemicals of love only last from 6 months to 1.5 years and then are gone. If a couple has not worked on bonding and doing specific things to make the bonding hormone (oxytocin) kick in they will feel as though they fell out of love and they would be correct.

And by the way, I believe that love is neither “the answer” nor the exclusive reason to get into a relationship. Love, lust and sex are all different and many people confuse love with lust. Love is an action and it requires daily consciousness to maintain it.

Sexual chemistry (the spark, lust) is created when people with opposite immune systems meet. Women can smell the different chemicals from a man that tell her he is a good match to have babies with. The birth control pill changes a woman search parameters because her body believes it is pregnant and she will be attrated to her tribemates, her brothers for safety. Later when she gets off the pill she will find the smell of her partner unattractive and there will be no sparks because he was never meant to be her lover only her protector. Modern science is messing up our relationshps.

(For a counter-concept to the statement that love and sex are different, see ultrafeel’s Sex, Love, God, Tantra And The Cosmic Orgasm.)

(c) h.r.fox @ ultrafeel.tv : Publication of this interview needs written permission and linking to this post.

Painting: ‘Transparent Tantra’ by Paul Heussenstamm
Photo: ‘Crowd Porn 3’ by Thomas Brodahl


Tanja DiamondTanja Diamond, "The Tantra Teacher", C.Ht, NLP, creator of Modern Tantra™ and Tantra for Business™ is a Life Strategist with a specialty in Business, Spirituality and Sexual Intimacy. She has been working in the US and abroad, expanding human consciousness for the past 25 years. She is the author of Beyond Sex: Tantra, a practical guide to extraordinary living.

Creator of Modern Tantra™ and Tantra for Business™
Learningtantra.com
Tantraforbusiness.com
Tantra-for-men.com

Author of Beyond Sex : Tantra
Beyondsextantra.com

4 thoughts on “Tanja Diamond On Sex, Love, Porn Monogamy And Tantra

  1. I agree ..in every point this is very interesting…sometimes it is not easy to go another way…but I´ll learn tantra to become kown more and more of higher dimensions in Love

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